Here we are... We have thought about, prayed about, talked about, looked forward to and dreaded this time for a while now... yet here we are.
As in posts before this, you are going to get a dose of my heart today. I feel at times God might as well have put mine on the outside of my body, cause it seems I often share too much of what is going on in my heart. But today I feel like it needs to be shared one more time before we make the big move.
I have said to a few friends in the past days, that we are in the days right now which we have been planning for, for so long. And I will admit there is joy and excitement, but a hefty amount of sadness has also entered in. So much of how our family spends our recent days consist of spending some precious last moments with those we love dearly. For the most part, we all have been able to graciously say 'goodbye,' but I feel a hurt building that I never anticipated feeling so deeply.
For myself (Sara), it happens when I take time to sit still or when the house is quiet. For our girls, it happens when we are driving away from a fun time with friends and family. Logan and Aubrey are old enough to understand more of the context, or realize why we are doing so many fun things right now with others, but then quickly return home to continue packing everything up and labeling boxes.
Today I came across a blog, via the sometimes wonderful site of Facebook, about a family originally from MN who have lived in Haiti for the past 8 years. As I was reading through some of their story I came across a page labeled: The Cost. It tells their readers about what is the hardest part of living in Haiti is for them. This is not our story of course, but when reading this page, I felt the topic of many conversations Tim and I have had over the past 6 months was said so well by this women. This is what she says:
When people ask "What is the hardest part about living in Haiti?" The answer is easy. It has nothing to do with illness, bugs, heat, or lack of bacon, milk, and strawberries. It is not the daily interaction with heart-breaking poverty or the front-row seat to see the devastating consequences of it. Those things are hard, but those things are not the hardest.
It has everything to do with wanting to stay connected to the family and friends we deeply love and left. It has everything to do with feeling guilty for letting them down, for missing big things in their lives, for being distant and different and sometimes hard to relate to or understand. It has everything to do with knowing we are where we should be and knowing that some are hurt by that. It is horrible to make a choice that hurts people you love... It's uncomfortable and makes us squirm.
Deep breaths..... I can't make it through that paragraph without going to the 'ugly cry.' I haven't even lived in the country one day with our family of 5, and my heart aches for anticipation of these feelings.
The truth is, I, in my human sinfulness, want to ignore the 'hard parts of being obedient,' and what that means for our life. I selfishly want to be able to follow God's will for this time in our life in our comfortable house in SD. I want a medical Dr. which is just a phone call away if an illness comes up. I want our kids to wake up each day and have a variety of food options for breakfast. I want to continue doing good things here in our community/school, cause isn't that enough? I might be over sharing my heart right now, or causing some to wonder if I am even fit to move forward to the adventure ahead... but this is where I am, and so here we are.
I have said a number of times to Tim that I so desire to be that wife, mother, and friend that can graciously accept this role which we are confident we have been called to, with the strength and joy I accept the easy and fun parts of life. The problem is, when so much of life is about waking up to provide for comfort in abundance, and avoid inconvenience at all costs, that doesn't sit well either. I recall another past conversation between Tim and I where we both agreed, we could not deny what had put in front of us, we couldn't pretend we hadn't seen, felt, heard, had that conversation, or met that person just by chance. Yet it would have been so easy to say, "Nope! My way please."
In the same blog, from the family already referenced, was a couple parts in the book of Luke. A little lengthy, but please read:
Luke 9:57-62 says, “The Cost of Following Jesus.” Here it is, plain and simple, laid out for us by the Lord. “As they were walking along the road, a man said to Jesus, “I will follow you wherever you go.” Jesus replied, “Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay His head.” He said to another man, “Follow me.” But the man replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my Father.” Jesus said to Him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Still another said, “I will follow you Lord, but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.” Jesus replied, “No one who puts His hand to the plow and looks back will be fit to enter the Kingdom of God.”
Luke 14:25, “The Cost of Being a Disciple,” Jesus tells the crowds gathered around Him, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters – yes even his own life – he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry His cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to complete it; everyone who sees it will ridicule him saying, ‘This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.’ Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first consider if he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and ask for terms of peace. In the same way any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.”Then the writer made these two statements:
In Luke, in the days of Jesus, He expected EVERYTHING of his disciples. Do we believe that He requires the same today? We sure don’t act like it.
Do we really know and believe in the Jesus of the Bible. Because if we do, if we believe what He says is true, our lives will be powerfully, unimaginable, radically different than the lives of those around us. He requires EVERYTHING.I want to read that, and again ignore what that means for Tim and Sara Mulder. I remember a time in early February I asked Tim, "Are we forcing this?" Meaning, are we, ourselves trying to make this move to Haiti happen. I think I was looking for a door that could be shut, and then we could continue on living a 'good' life like we had been. But Tim's answer to me was, "No, Sara, we aren't. This kind of opportunity should not be as easy as this really has been, this really should be more difficult if it wasn't of God." I knew he was right, and we got to the point where we COULD NOT turn our backs on what God had been making plain for us to see. Plain for us to see, and often has left us speechless as to how His providence has shown up in exactly the right situation and timing. Yet all the while, we knew this never meant easy... and causing some to think we are nuts.
Let me wrap this up by saying we are really doing well (despite what I have just revealed about my heart's condition.) The emotions are very present, but the love and strength of those God has placed in our life are overflowing with the grace only given by our great Comforter. I am not trying to just put a 'happy stamp' at the end of this post, but this is an honest reflection of how well cared for we have all been. The blessings we have been given are beyond our ability to appropriately say thank you.
Please pray, especially in the next week, for our family, especially the three girls. They too have had their moments, and Tim and I desire to be handling those moments how God needs us to be. (Just a little side note to hopefully make you laugh. Last Sunday I was having a moment as we were walking out of worship in the morning, and Aubrey looks at me and says, 'Oh look, Mom is crying again.') As like most families, our children have unique personalities and so process this all so differently. Pray grace and love abound, and His kingdom wins each day.
Please also pray for those who we are hoping to build relationships with in Haiti. Pray grace and love is built in Christ alone, during this big time of transition for us all.
